Pleading For A Chance To Belong

Have you ever found yourself silently pleading with the universe to open up some kind of portal or black whole that you can get sucked in to fall out the other end into a better time and better opportunities.

All my life, I have found myself feeling like I don't belong on earth. I have always only wanted one thing..... a chance.

A chance to succeed and prosper.

Not just to exist in rooms, but to matter in them. Not just to work, but the opportunity to grow in them. Not just to survive, but to be relevant, to be heard and to be seen. I have lived my life as the underdog. The fast food working clocking double shifts just to keep the lights on or clothing on my babies backs. The security guard standing for hours and hours on end. Getting threats to be fired or reprimanded if I sit down more than 15 minutes. As if rest was a luxury I had not earned. I call it modern day slavery but being modest I will say I am always the one over worked and under paid.

To me it feels like "Servitude disguised as opportunity". The kind of "slavery" that they feel you should be grateful for.

I have always believed in a better way so I decided to leave those deadbeat jobs and go to college. I thought that I had finally made that power play. The only thing I gained though was a piece of paper that only stated I finished two years of college and a huge gap in my resume. You would think that was a life changer. I enrolled not because I thought I had everything figured out. It was because I have hopes and dreams and a bucket list. When you start to get older and you think of things you did not do and now you think you should do it. Then you begin to work at those goals. I just hoped that education would open up doors that labor could never.

But the path wasn't smooth.

I didn't get the internships.

I didn't get the in office experience. Before I went to college everything that seemed to be my dream job required an associates or bachelors and even a Mc Donald's job required experience. What I got instead was a gap in my work history and a piece of paper that read "Associates of Occupational Studies" .

No roadmap and No connections. Just a graduation commencement ceremony no family to invite and ultimately a pat on the back and student loan bills that will soon come. It's a strange feeling to be qualified on paper, but disqualified in practice. To feel invisible in the job market. The cost of trying to be at least acknowledged built up in school loans that really should have been avoided but with todays economy and the fact that work and school is an ability for super hero's only. I was not built with that feature.

I did land an Interview out of the 100 job application that I submitted. It was my first real chance. They were willing to train me. I was anxious and knowingly I filled out the application without a certification that was needed. These days there is no way your getting trained they do not have the time or the patience. Maybe, that's just here in New York. New York is a very fast paced city nobody ever has time. So, how do people get experience? By receiving college internships. That's how. By then my pockets were already filled with lint. Emptied by months of unpaid opportunity and constant job searching. I showed up any way only to find out that the BLS certification was needed.

I am not asking for a handout I am pleading for a chance to get a lucky break. I won't lie I been sending messages to God and the Universe. I just really need that chance. To show that I'm more than a title or a resume gap. A chance to show that hustle, heart and potential matter. Even when credentials fall short. All I ever wanted was to belong. There has been countless day of me praying and manifesting and at times I have had breaks and actually enjoyed prosperous moments. I just wish I could have manifested long term winning seasons.

To finally trade survival with stability. Is my main goal and power move.

I am not the only one who feels this way. I see people striving daily and never giving up. Day to day going to a horrible job with slave wadges and terrible management.

This is the Black Karrie Bradshaw once again dropping a jewel on you and touching on relatable life issues. With another passionate blog entry. I am really not in a good financial state and like most I am in panic mode. Feel like I am pressed for time and in a rush. I feel like the rabbit in "Alice and the Looking Glass" at times manic. My mental and physical self won't give up. So, I show up like I belong and I keep going no matter who decides to open up the door and let me in.